IRC Networks are full of all sorts of interesting people. Some of them are also amazingly lame. Some of THEM are also incredibly amusing. In the interest of both spreading some humor, and perhaps keep someone else from making themselves look like an absolute fool in front of a group of server admins and IRCops, stormcenter presents the Saga of Superlamer. These are actual logs from conversations on castlenet, mostly in #SETI@Home.
The names have been left perfectly intact, because I'm a real BOFH, but the U@H has been tweaked to keep the poor (l)user from getting too much SPAM. The idents for admins, opers, and other users has been concealed.
*** superuser (scp58@ip-address.ca.us.prserv.net) has joined SETI@home
<Bagheera> Hello
<superuser> hi sup
* Bagheera looks around for someone named "sup"
<Bagheera> Not much, actually. Just chillin' after work.
<Bagheera> You payin any attention, su?
<superuser> ohh sorry
<superuser> i have 9 chat all working at same time
<Bagheera> See what I mean about 9 channels?
<superuser> who is this
<Bagheera> My name is "root"
<Bagheera> You can call me "God."
* Bagheera grins
*** bot1 (scp58@ip-address.ca.us.prserv.net) has joined SETI@home
<Bagheera> You can pull the bot out of here.
<superuser> ohh sorry i can see i have ok script
<superuser> ok he's gone k
*** bot1 (scp58@ip-address.ca.us.prserv.net) has left SETI@home
<Bagheera> Thank you.
<superuser> sorry
<superuser> your welcome
<Bagheera> We've got Merlin.
<superuser> dude hate to aske but could i have ops
<Bagheera> Why?
<Bagheera> I mean. What good are ops?
*** Bagheera removes channel operator status from Bagheera
<superuser> i like ops and i can fill in the holes in your chat
<Bagheera> What holes?
<superuser> i cant tell you you dont have the script
<superuser> if you were a programmer i mite be able to tell you
<Bagheera> Uh huh.
* Bagheera busts up
<superuser> its in port 192
<superuser> look in port 192
<superuser> if you can
<Bagheera> What's in port 192?
<superuser> yoo guys i saw on tv about seti@home
<superuser> i dumb hole easy to fix with the script
<superuser> i have to have ops to do it
<superuser> but its cool if you go to my chat ssd-ax i will give you ops
<Bagheera> No good. You tell me what the script does, and then I consider letting you have ops.
<superuser> please any one go to ssd-ax
* Bagheera doesn't need channel ops
<draed> lol
<superuser> ok you ready i will tell you
<Bagheera> Have you noticed that my port 192 is closed?
<superuser> at 300 netsplit you can de port a person
<superuser> i know its off
<superuser> and take ops
<Bagheera> And your script fixes this...
<superuser> yes
<Bagheera> Do you know why your script won't help me in any way?
<superuser> dude im a programmer i have my own chats i know how it feels to be hacked trust me k
* Bagheera laughs
<superuser> its ok
<superuser> i have a qeustion did you secure you ops
<Bagheera> You didn't answer my question.
<Bagheera> Channel level or server level?
<Bagheera> Or network?
<Bagheera> Or maybe access lists on my router?
<Bagheera> Channel ops don't mean jack.
<superuser> so that they dont take your chat and do what they want like kick you dont be scared theres not that meny hackers that good
* Bagheera laughs
<superuser> i have brook in a third party network i had admin power
<superuser> then i left
<Bagheera> Ok.
<superuser> the network no harm was done
<superuser> programmers sware
<superuser> what type router you have
<Bagheera> Cisco 12000
<superuser> ohh yea routers need more protection
<superuser> on networks
<superuser> thats a great router
<Bagheera> Yeah, it is.
<superuser> do you have t1 line
<Bagheera> Um, will my C12k handle it?
<superuser> maybe there was a hacker named chemilion he can get in any network but he got caught hacking
<superuser> ohh yea i would have a very hard time geting in
<Bagheera> Dude. You haven't answered ANY of my questions.
<superuser> cisco is a leading co.
<superuser> yes i have
<Bagheera> Let's see. You didn't answer the one about "why won't your script help me"
<Bagheera> You didn't answer "what level are you talking about securing ops?"
<Bagheera> And you didn't answer "Will my Cisco 12000 handle a T1 line?"
<superuser> if a hacker can get in by xdsl to your router and take over your server and get superuser powers on your sys wait not done
<Bagheera> . . . .
<superuser> ok if all the hacker wants is ops then he will trie to get in trought 300 netsplit and diconect you
<superuser> but i dont even think i could break in a cisco that good
<superuser> ok
<Bagheera> Well, if you're confusing using a netsplit to get ChanOPs with rooting an irc server, OR cracking into a Cisco router, no, I doubt you could get into my C12k
<superuser> im done
<superuser> you right there very well made
<Bagheera> They're totaly different animals.
<superuser> so please can i have ops now
<Bagheera> Tell you what. Why don't you DCC me your script, and I'll see about giving you ops.
<superuser> how about no
<superuser> im sorry do want to give it away
<superuser> at any risk
<Bagheera> Do you know why it won't help me?
<Bagheera> Simple question.
<superuser> it mite help you
<superuser> but you the most secure person on this network
<Bagheera> BZZZZZZT Sorry! Wrong answer! Thanks for playing!
<superuser> What The Fuck?
<superuser> wtf
<Bagheera> Actually, no, I'm not.
<superuser> i know if 192 is off you cant get in
<Bagheera> You don't know, do you?
<superuser> programmers promise if i have ops i will not deop any one you can deop
<superuser> i dont know what you want me to say do you
*** lesia (fakeuser@also.faked.isp) has joined SETI@home
<Bagheera> Easy. I want to see your script.
<Bagheera> AND I want you to tell me why it won't do me any good.
<superuser> i said no thats final
<Bagheera> Hi, lesia
<superuser> im sick of this man
<lesia> hi ;)
*** deimios (~fakeuser@also.faked.isp) has joined SETI@home
<lesia> lol
<Bagheera> This guy's a gas, deim.
<Bagheera> I'll send you the log.
<deimios> kk
<lesia> me2
<superuser> what is your prob
<draed> most entertainment I've had all night ;)
<Bagheera> Our problem?
<deimios> LOL
<deimios> damnit
<Bagheera> Same here. And after dealing with those idiots in the (location omitted)
<lesia> Bagheera, couldya entertain me some 2 w/ the log?:)
<Bagheera> Sure thing, lesia.
<lesia> ;P
<superuser> bye you f er i wanted to be allies with you but now i changed my mind
<Bagheera> Ok, su, I'll explain
<Bagheera> You're got a mIRC script
<Bagheera> It only works for people using mIRC
<Bagheera> On a Winblows box.
<superuser> lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
<Bagheera> Which none of us use.
*** deim (~fakeuser@also.faked.isp) has joined SETI@home
<Bagheera> Because we'er not script kiddies.
<deim> I AM ROOT!
<deim> :P
<superuser> lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal dude ok your right
<Bagheera> Root, god, what's the differnce?
<superuser> bye
<deim> lol
*** superuser has quit (Local kill by Bagheera (Target terminated, sir...))
Part two takes place a day or so later. Chage is another server admin and, like myself, is a devout follower of the Wit and Wisdom of the BOFH. Here, my Australian friend demonstrates how Bastards treat the truly lame...
#camelot
[04/02/00 @ 18:08:29] *** superuser (scp58@ip-address.ca.us.prserv.net) has joined channel
[04/02/00 @ 18:08:36] <superuser> sup
[04/02/00 @ 18:08:47] >* Chage looks for the user sup....
[04/02/00 @ 18:08:50] <superuser> *bagheera* well you cant get anywhere near in the chat #teen trie and hack it you fag ass mother fucker come and trie to i dare you k
[04/02/00 @ 18:08:50] <superuser> -> *bagheera* ok your a pussy come and trie it are you scared
moving on to #teens...
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:11] *** Chage (fakeuser@also.faked.isp) has joined channel
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:12] *** Chage sets channel mode: +nt
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:21] *** superuser (scp58@ip-address.ca.us.prserv.net) has joined channel
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:25] >(Chage) yea ok
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:33] >(Chage) ml register #teen cn-services
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:39] *** Merlin (Merlin@merlin.castlenet.org) has joined channel
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:39] *** merlin.castlenet.org sets channel mode: +o Merlin
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:39] *** Merlin has changed topic to "Welcome to #teen"
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:42] >(Chage) ml hide
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:43] *** Merlin sets channel mode: +s
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:45] >(Chage) have fun
[04/02/00 @ 18:09:48] *** Chage (fakeuser@also.faked.isp) has left channel
back to #camelot...
[04/02/00 @ 18:11:05] >(Chage) ml gline *scp*@*.us.prserv.net c6 actually, you bore me. go away
Merlin is Castlenet's answer to Uworld and ChanServ. It's a rather sophisticated system that's absolutely wonderful for dealing with lamers like this.
*** superuser (~super@ip-address.tr.cgocable.ca) has joined #SETI@home
<superuser> fuck you
*** superuser has quit (Read error to superuser[ip-address.tr.cgocable.ca]: EOF from client)
*** superuser (~super@ip-address.tr.cgocable.ca) has joined #SETI@home
*** Merlin gives channel operator status to Langley
<Langley> super@ip-address.tr.cgocable.ca)
<Langley> forward logs ON
<superuser> i will hack you langley
<superuser> do not mess with me
*** Merlin has kicked superuser from #SETI@home (not even a credit to hacking)
<Langley> kiss my ring
<Langley> ..it's diamomd encrusted:)
Langley is a channel regular and OP in #SETI@Home. His sense of humor is legendary, and his ability to handle lamers in-stride is an asset.
This last excerpt is "edited for content" because it was initially a clip from three channels, all of which were repeated obscenities, none of which make good reading. I mean, how many times can you hear Yuck foo! in the same send?
Anyway, the entire tirade lasted about 8 minutes, spanning his regular haunts, and ended rather abruptly when Our Hero (or Dark BOFH, depending on your perspective) finally dealt with the issue. As shown....
*** superuser (~spc58@infotrend01.infotrend.it) has joined #live_fire
<superuser> i told u
<superuser> i am your master
*** superuser has quit (G-lined)
<Xerxes> LOL
<Badcat> Ah, opinions might vary.